How to Save Your Relationship With Your Teen During the College Application Process

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*Listen to The College Spy Podcast—Episode #16 “Not Your Mom” along with this post!

Are you the last person your teen wants to take advice from? Have they refuted or ignored something you said, then taken the same advice seriously when someone else said it? Good news—this is developmentally appropriate for teens as they mature and seek more independence, but it can be understandably frustrating for parents too.

At The College Spy, we serve as a trusted, neutral voice that helps parents and students understand and communicate each other’s needs and preferences. We also act as project managers so students remember details, follow through on tasks and meet deadlines. We bring experience and expertise to the equation. We’ve been through this before; we’re experts in college admission and working with teens. We know college. 

Here are a few tips to help you survive the college search and application process with your teen:

Schedule a weekly college chat.

You could do this over pizza on Friday evenings, at Sunday breakfast or on the car ride home from practice every Tuesday—whatever you decide, your teen will thank you because choosing a specific time to check in intentionally about the college application process takes some of the pressure off, if your child feels like college is, “all anyone ever wants to talk about,” and it allows you both to arrive at the conversation prepared. Knowing The College Spy consultant is keeping your teen on track and reading our meeting notes, will help you avoid talking about college all the time too.

Clearly define your roles and responsibilities with regard to each step of this process.

On the way to a college for a campus tour, chat about who will ask questions about each topic, and when your child will take the lead. As a parent, it’s easy to fall into the habit of checking in at the visitor’s center and introducing your child, but it’s better if they step up instead. As an admissions officer, I was always impressed by students who introduced their parents to me, rather than the other way around. It’s a small switch, but an important step towards maturity and independence, and even easier if you’ve discussed it before you arrive in the admissions office!

Parents can also help with the research and planning needed to apply to college, but don’t step on your child’s toes or take over. Instead, plan who is responsible for each part of the process. Maybe for your family, parents will fill out Net Price Calculators, plan the logistics of college visits, and ask questions about finances and safety while on tour while your child will complete applications, write essays, and ask questions about academics and campus life while touring.

Clarify what is needed before offering guidance.

The College Spy consultants use this approach frequently throughout the advising process. Students often come to us for guidance on extracurricular choices and course selection, and our goal is to share our admissions expertise in a way they can truly hear, accept and apply. When we ask students whether they want our straightforward admissions advice or whether they just want to talk it through, they often choose to talk it through. This process usually leads them to the same “right” answer we would have recommended if we had simply told them what to do. Students often have the answers within themselves. They know that they should not drop to an easy math class senior year or quit the soccer team! By giving them a choice in how they receive support, they are more likely to make decisions that are both authentic to them and beneficial for college admissions.

This same approach works when assisting with college essays. If your teen asks you to read over their college essay, the first thing to do is celebrate because your student wrote an essay they are proud to share! However, before diving in with detailed feedback, ask if it’s a first draft or a final version. Are they looking for feedback about the content and structure, or just final polishing in case they’ve missed a comma or made a typo? Knowing what your teen needs from you will help you give feedback that they are ready to accept. College essays are very personal to students and many kids struggle with accepting assistance from parents. This is one area where you may find working with a college consultant can be valuable to keep the peace between you and your teen. 

Remember the process has changed since you were in high school.

Admissions policies change every year, and over the course of a couple of decades, the landscape has become vastly different. If you haven’t been paying attention to all the nuances and shifts—don’t worry; we have! We can guide students in building balanced lists including predicting which schools are a good chance, a worthwhile reach or a wild card. We understand how to use Early Decision and Early Action strategically, and we can advise about when to submit test scores versus when to take advantage of a test-optional policy. 
We’ll also remind you that the “best” school is different for each student, and rankings or reputation, while useful reference points, don’t take the needs and preferences of your unique child into account. We often use data to educate students and parents about the reality of college admissions rather than relying on anecdotes and secondhand information. The Common Data Set is one of our favorite resources. It’s published annually by most colleges and Section C is all about admissions—Google the CDS for a school you know and see if anything surprises you!

Make sure your child feels a sense of agency throughout the college process.

Choosing a college is a big decision—and often one that is made as a family—but there are things you can do to ensure that your child feels a sense of agency in the process. You want them to know that their desires and preferences are important so they feel positive about the college they choose to attend. The following are some ways to make sure that your child is at the center of the process:

Talk to your teen about including schools on their list for the right reasons. At The College Spy, we avoid the term “safety school,” but a balanced list should include some likely acceptances. Students should be excited about every option so they don’t feel like any school is just a “backup.”

After a campus visit or online information sessions, ask for your teen’s reactions before offering your opinion. Some students feel awkward sharing an opinion that’s different from yours while others may defiantly lean in the opposite direction of a school you’ve expressed too much enthusiasm for; they may not even realize they’re doing this, but it’s normal to assert independence as a teen by separating themselves from their parents. 

If finances will be a deciding factor for your family, be honest and open with your child early in the process. The most heartbreaking decisions I saw in admissions were the students who got in, wanted to say yes, and then realized their family couldn’t afford the financial offer from the school. You won’t know exactly what each school will cost until your child has been admitted, but you can use net price calculators for an estimate at most institutions. Talk to your child about what a realistic budget looks like for your family, if they will be expected to contribute financially and if loans are a reasonable option for you. You can also explore “outside” or “private” scholarships—those are the ones offered by someone other than a college or university and which can be applied to the cost of any school where you enroll. Your guidance or college counselor is a good resource for local scholarship opportunities. 

Decide how you will react to acceptances and denials in advance of receiving these decisions.

Parents’ reactions have occasionally (unintentionally) overshadowed students’ emotions in the heat of the moment. Students sometimes film their reactions to admissions decisions, and there are #fails akin to the grandma-to-be who hugs her father-to-be son before he can hug his mother-to-be partner during a gender reveal celebration. Don’t go viral! And more importantly, remind your child that you’re proud of them either way; admissions decisions don’t define a person. Getting into college is personal, but not getting in usually isn’t, and it doesn’t mean a student has done anything wrong. Read our post about Institutional Priorities to understand more about how and why selective colleges make decisions. 

Many families reach out to us to “save their relationship” with their teen throughout the admissions process. They don’t want to nag or fight. They also don’t feel equipped to offer the right advice. Check out our individual packages here and our group packages here.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Sometimes students are hard at work below the surface and don’t feel like they need to share all the details with you. Other times, they’re overwhelmed and not making progress on their own. Either way, we recommend setting up a weekly check-in meeting about college planning, so you can both arrive prepared to discuss it, and you can spend time talking about other things outside of that time.

  • You can help your child set up an organized system, as long as it plays to their strengths, and it’s not more of a burden to keep up with an additional project. I love a color-coded spreadsheet, but that’s not how everyone’s brain works! A college consultant can act as the project manager for this process, and will keep your student accountable, but you could also take on that role, or help them learn to manage it.

  • Maybe! But keep in mind that admissions is a rapidly changing field. Test-optional policies, Early Decision, and Early Action have all evolved a lot over the past decade, and most schools are more selective than they were ten or twenty years ago. At The College Spy, we’re experts in college admission, and we can help you understand how to apply strategically. We also believe in finding each student a college that is a great fit, which your alma mater may or may not be for your child.